Thoughts about having a wandering soul

Warning - this post includes some ranting (not political), a little pity party, and mention of privilege. If this is triggering for you, SKIP TO THE NEXT POST. And I hope you can take a joke.

No matter where I am, I will always be wanting more. This is a terribly privileged, stuck up existence to have to claim, but it is true. I have always had a hard time finding some kind of happiness that I am seeking, and I just can’t put my finger on it. I’m happy for all of you out there that have known all along that it isn’t out there - it is in. I know this idea has been written by everyone and their mother, in every number of ways and it is a pretty basic concept, but it is still a hard one for me.

There is this amazing writer Janelle Hanchett (you can find her on Substack @janellehanchett and her former blog here: https://www.renegademothering.com/ - which also includes links to her new work). A dear friend sent me a story she recently posted and since then I’ve dived into her other writings, which are hilarious and relatable, to me at least. She said something that rings so true for me, and she said it much more eloquently than I have ever been able to express:

“ARE YOU SUGGESTING WE START OVER AGAIN IN A NEW COUNTRY WHAT IF IT SUCKS WHAT IF MY SOUL IS THE PROBLEM WHAT IF WHEREVER YOU GO THERE YOU ARE AND I AM JUST A BORDER COLLIE DODGING THE INEVITABLE COFFIN OF MY LIFE” ~ Janelle Hanchett

I’ve never found a place that feels like “home”, I honestly don’t know that I ever will, and that’s probably okay. Feeling settled, feeling I belong somewhere specific that will make me my best and happiest self. It is my wandering soul that is not at rest, it is definitely not all of the incredible places I’ve been fortunate enough to live. When I look back at them, I would live in all of them again.

If I take the time to BE in my surroundings, which can be hard for me, I am really happy everywhere I’ve lived. It is always so much easier to see that with some distance and perspective, of course. I am proud to say I’m getting better at it. I love listening to the sounds, smelling the smells, feeling all the feels. Sitting in my discomfort and restlessness and finding peace and home all over the place.

And now that I realize that it is ME, not the location, I can feel at home wherever I am, and the more I think about it, I suppose I have done that pretty successfully in many places. Truly, I feel at home with my family. Cheesy, yes, but so true! The hard part is that I feel at home with the rest of my family, and the friends we have scattered about all the places we have left. It is hard to leave them.

It is hard to leave you, reader!

So, when we moved here I told myself - no place is perfect, this will not be perfect. I don’t want to move with the expectation that we will be here forever, because then if we decide to leave I will definitely feel like I let myself down by not sticking to what I said I’d do. (that’s another problem about being stubborn). Every place has it’s good and bad parts - seeing the bad parts is not always a reason to leave.

I came knowing that I would want to spend at least two years here - one because the expense of the move justifies a longer stay, and two because you can’t really know a place in one year.

Jason and I have had a magic moving number together - 7 years. Seven years in a place gives you time to find all of your favorites and least favorites, establish solid relationships, and feel ready to explore a new place. Now that we have a child, this is probably less realistic - at some point she will loathe us for moving her away from her comforts.

And now that we are here, I don’t know if we’ll stay, but I feel pretty strongly I don’t want Adaline to spend her childhood in the U.S. This is tough because I don’t want her to NOT know the U.S, and there are things (and people mostly) to be loved and missed.

You, reader - you are loved and missed every day!

Will we live here forever? I have no idea, we haven’t decided. I never came with such an idea in my head. But now that I know I can feel at home where ever I am, I kinda don’t want to leave.